Battle of the Mind

It's hard to believe that it's only been two and a half weeks since I got here, it seems like it's been a month. We got back from the rafting trip on Saturday evening. The trip was good, but hard. I felt extremely isolated because of the language barrier and I thought I would be doing more on the trip other than be a particapant. Everyday seemed to be multiple days because I went through so many ups and downs. About the secound or third day of the trip I was really frustrated because I couldn't see why I was there and what I was supposed to be doing. I had a very long conversation with God where He told me to be present and listen. The rest of the trip, I tried hard to be present even when it was extremely awkward. I still don't feel like I did anything, but I hope that something good came out of me being there. If nothing else, I was able to pray for a few of the teenagers there. One girl in particular struck me. From the very first day I could tell that she loved to sing and she had a beautiful voice, but she seemed to be sad a lot. I don't know why and I didn't really talk to her at all, but I prayed for her and I hope that God touched her heart that week. There were about 70 people who went on the rafting trip, ages 14 and up. The guy that lead it studied at OM's Dicipleship centre and all of the people on the trip were from one of the larger Baptist churches in Novosibirsk.
I think today is the half-way point in my trip. I miss home a lot, right now I really wish I was back in my apartment cooking my food and talking with one of my closest friends. Don't get me wrong, the people here are very nice and I like them a lot, but it's always been hard for me to let myself get close to people that I've just met. I don't know, I feel like I'm rambling. I guess I had expected that being in Russia would change the way I act and who I am in a sense. I'm in a different country and the people are all different, but I still have the same struggles talking to people. I have had the oppurtunity to talk in Russian with a couple of people one-on-one, but I'm still really bad at talking in groups especially in Russian. My russian has gotten a little better, I understand a little more when people are talking and I can speak a little more than when I got here, but I still feel very incompetent. I'm trying to not let that keep me from practicing, but I have such a mentality of perfection. I have to continue reminding myself that sucess does not equal perfecting, but rather completion is more a sign of sucess. If I can communicate an idea to someone in Russian, then whether my grammer is right or not, it is a sucess and I can be proud of that. This whole trip seems to be a battle of the mind. During the month of June I was made aware of more lies that I have believed for many years. And now the intensity of needing to fight those lies with truth is more important that ever. There is no where to run to avoid these feeling, I have to deal with them. I have to be constantly reminding myself of the truth; that I'm not defined by my failures, that I don't have to feel guilty for being who I am, that I do have something to offer as a friend, that there is a purpose for my being here even if I can't see it. Please pray for the grace and strenth to fight for the truth in my heart and mind. Pray for boldness and joy, that I would be able to enjoy my time here and not get caught in analizing how I think things are going and get caught in shame of how I could have done better.